Thursday, September 17, 2009

A Call for Comments

I am infinitely fascinated with the inner workings of masochist and sadomasochist minds. The "why" behind all of this shit. The dictionary definitions only work so well: "derive pleasure from pain" kind of thing is accurate, albeit superficial perhaps. So my question to the few of you actually reading this site on a regular basis is this:

Why do you enjoy what you do?

What do you get out of it? Why do you need it? What does it fulfill within you? What does it quiet, charge, recharge, center, quash, calm? Why does it get you off?

Big questions. Answer as simply or as detailed as you wish. Do it privately, publicly, anonymously. I'm interested in your answers and if I'm interested, chances are the rest of you will be as well.

I'll get it started by being frank: I am a textbook sadist. I derive sexual pleasure from inflicting pain. Sometimes it's just deriving pleasure, in general, from pleasing the bottom by inflicting pain. A lot of it is the physical connection between two people--the trust, the tenacious bond formed in the moment, the tactile and almost neurological binding of two people. Not in a sexual way, per-se, but in a very human way that really can't be achieved by vanilla means.

That's my rather top-line answer. What's yours?


  1. I'll go first. I'm a masochist. I get sexual pleasure from being spanked. As for other types of pain, it's difficult to explain. I don't enjoy going to the dentist, for example, but I like the idea of enurding pain, of suffering, and ok, I'll admit it, of being admired for enduring pain. As a child, suffering in silence was considered a virtue. So to gain parental approval, I kept quiet about pain.

    Being spanked does provide my with a lot of stress relief. I feel relaxed and revitalized afterward, and can face the petty frustrations of day to day life much better, for a while. Until I need my next "hit".


  2. Pain for pain's sake does nothing for me. I am the biggest baby when it comes to any other kind of pain/discomfort, be it a headache, dental work, etc. But spanking pain taps into something so primal and visceral in me; it blurs and blends into pleasure so subtly, I can't tell where one ends and the other begins.

    Spanking centers me, quiets my head, releases stress and anxiety, breaks down my walls. The connections I have been able to forge with tops have been indescribably amazing; a closeness and trust that always eluded me before. Also, since I got into the spanking scene, I have never felt sexier or more alive.

    Dictionaries/wikis/etc. can only go so far. One's feelings and experiences are so deeply personal and unique, and they often defy explanation or logic. They just are, because we are such complex creatures. I hope you get lots and lots of responses to this! -- Erica

  3. Hermoine:

    Thank you so much for stretching to reply to my curiosity. Tell me about the stress relief, as a follow-up question. How does getting bashed in the bum relieve stress? Seems to be an oxymoron of sorts.

    I find your answers most curious.


  4. Thanks for your thoughtful response, Erica, as always. I can't pretend to understand a masochist's mind. These insights are so interesting and helpful. Can you lend some more description to how the scene quiets your head, releases stress and anxiety? What about that experience creates that catharsis?


  5. While I do not derive pleasure from everyday pain or the bumps and bruises of life, I do derive pleasure from the pain of a spanking. It's not just the physical sensation, because it could never be the same if those same sensations were either self-inflicted or administered by a machine. I've even had spankings from vanilla men that I found unsatisfying because I knew the guy did not “get it.” Therefore, I have to conclude that it isn't just the pain that I enjoy, but the pain being inflicted by someone who enjoys causing that pain and the connection between the two of us at the time.

    I think the answer to the question of why I enjoy spanking so much may be as intangible as asking why some people feel compelled to jump from perfectly good airplanes, then land either grinning widely and begging to go back for another round or swearing their feet are firmly planted on solid ground and are not leaving it again. Yes, I get a rush from a spanking. Most times, barring extraneous emotional issues, I end up grinning just as widely as the skydiver from my earlier example. Even when I'm crying or shaking or silent, I still feel a buzzing throughout my body that is translated in my mind as pleasure, although the pain is still present.

    Every spanking is different so the feelings are different every time, and different needs are met in different situations. From a lighthearted session over the knee, I feel a camaraderie with my spanker, more intense than a hug, but along the same lines. From a more intense session, I feel a sense of relaxation, almost a removal from my situation, that just can't occur unless I trust my spanker implicitly. I think that for me, the allure of this thing we do can be found at least partially in the connection between me and my spanker and in the places I can be taken within that safe environment.

  6. I didn't actually know it was good for relieving stress until we started spanking properly. A few whacks on the bottom were always enough to arouse me no matter how unsexy I felt when we started. I agree with Erica; I have never felt sexier now.

    We have been spanking for over 20 years, but it wasn't until I began preparing mentally beforehand, then letting myself go completely in the experience, that it gave me any sort of satisfaction stresswise. And an increase in the intensity of the spankings has also helped. I remember one weekend when I had received some terrible news. I asked to be spanked with the very implement I hated most, and the result was that by losing myself in the pain, I let go of the feelings of sadness and despair inside me. In order to deal with the physical pain, I had to abandon the mental pain. I suppose an aerobic workout might have done the same thing, but hey, I like pain better than pushups.

  7. I don't consider myself a masochist, and I'm not "into pain" but as far as spanking goes, I want it to hurt. I want to really feel it deep down. It's why I like thud and detest sting. It's my release, it's my way of letting go of frustrations and overwhelming thoughts.

    Not sure if that answers the question, but yeah :)

    Happy Birthday :D

  8. Jada:

    Thanks for the thoughtful and really insightful comments. Clearly you gave my question the serious consideration you so obviously did. And no, you didn't jack my blog. What you wrote is exactly what I was hoping for.


  9. Hermione:

    Thanks so much for the follow up. I really appreciate it. It's amazing to me that the spanking can take you anywhere other than, "Ow! Get your damn hand off of me!" But that's why I'm a sadist. I guess.

    Oh, and thanks for the birthday wish.


  10. Marie:

    Okay, how can you like the pain of a spanking but not think you're a masochist. You need a spanking for that.

    As for thud versus sting, I think you're a rarity. Most spanking enthusiast women I know seem to prefer the sting over the thud. I like to deliver both.

    Thanks for the comments.


  11. Regarding the stress release and catharsis -- I'd say it's at least two-fold. On the physical level, it's like Hermione said; the pain takes my focus out of my whirling head and I'm purely into the sensation -- at first it's pure pain, and then as the endorphins kick in, the pleasure chemicals surge within me and I'm experiencing what I guess is the equivalent of a "runner's high."

    Emotionally, there is something so deeply profound about the compassionate punishment aspect. If a top is strict but caring, if I sense that he is inflicting pain not because he is cruel but because he cares enough about me to do it (even though I know, realistically, that's he's enjoying it and I wouldn't want him not to), I find my defenses and hard edges crumbling and softening, and I am able to be vulnerable, break down and cry or at least quiet down, and release my emotions, my pain, my tension. It's like I can feel the stress coming out of my pores with each blow.

    I feel profoundly cared for, attended to and loved. My head is clean and clear and my body thrums with bliss. -- Erica

  12. Wow. Poetic, beautiful and extraordinarily explanatory. You all have done a marvelous job of providing me some really meaningful insight. Thanks, Erica. And thanks to all of you for helping this top better "get" you all.

    Hopefully even more comments will come in...


  13. First of all Happy Belated Birthday Craig! Hope you had a great day!

    Let's see there are so many private thoughts that make me do what I do. I am a masochist of sorts. The result depends on who spanks me and whether they can get into my head or not.

    I can take an awful lot of pain if that is what I am choosing. Do I want to see how much I can take from this person or not?

    Then there is my Domme who can get into my head and if she is disappointed in me and has lectured me, my mind is hers. She could spank me with a feather and I would howl.

    why do I do this? For many of the reasons that Erica has so expertly described. I feel loved, secure and cared for. It is a time when I can release all of your inner turmoil and emotions. Something that is extremely special to an adult who strives to control all other aspects of her life.

    I do know that after I have had a session, I sleep a wonderful, peaceful, restful sleep, like no other.


  14. CJ:

    Thank you much for putting into words what I'm sure are very private thoughts. You, too, are thoughtful for going beyond your comfort zone to respond.


  15. Oh, and CJ! Thanks for the birthday well-wishes!

  16. Intriguing question...even more intriguing answers so I thought I'd add some things that are big for me but haven't been mentioned.

    I am a bottom/masochist. I've only recently started calling myself a masochist since starting to play in other areas of BDSM besides just spanking. I think there is also a difference in what I get out of it in public/private/and pay situations.

    Public...I'm a hard player and feed off other people. So playing publically gets my pulse racing. I love to hear others gasp and in public situations the harder I play the more endorphins run and the more I tend to laugh...

    Privately is probably the most complicated. it's stress relief for me becasue when I'm bent over taking a spanking it's like the whole world stops. My world becomes so small that the only thing I have to focus on is me and the pain that is searing into my backside. Depending on my energy with the person I'm playing with this can become cathartic/erotic/hypnotic... ok I'm out of otic words get the point.

    I joke that I only top for cash. Which is funny but really true. I don't like it. I find it a lot of work. I also find I'm pretty ruthless and I don't really like who I am when I top. So I choose not to do it unless some one wants to pay me... That said i HATE bottoming for cash. I LOVE bottoming, i don't have to do anything, I can react or not depending on where my mind takes me. If I get paid for it I feel like I have to put on a show and I HATE IT!

    So those are my random thoughts.

  17. Thanks you for taking the time to include your thoughts on my blog. I really appreciate your insights and input.

  18. My long, belated answer: If you've read Niki Flynn on masochism and pain, I believe her ideas are like mine. I don't really like pain while it's happening, but I like being made to take the pain. Still, I am believe I am a masochist in spite of "not getting pleasure from the pain."

    The pleasure comes from the whole experience. Perhaps I should say it comes before and after the experience. During a good scene, I'm often scared, and wondering how much I can take and how I'll process it. I do not take it easily. The best tops have pushed me through my tears and made me take more than I thought I could take. I'm lucky that I've had some very caring tops over the years who treated me as an equal after the scene ended.

    I get turned on by fear, and by being made to submit. If a punishment doesn't hurt, there's no reason to be afraid and therefore it's not as exciting. I don't think I'm naturally submissive, but I love being forced to do things and to be overpowered... Of course, this is all "safe" within the confines of the S&M scene.

    I also like thud more than sting, BTW.

  19. Sandy:

    Thanks for the input. Sincerely appreciate it. Fear, eh? Submit, eh? Pain, eh? Thud, eh?


    Are you going to FMS in November? (Narrowing eyes...)


  20. I don't think I can get to FMS in November ... have a conflict that weekend.

  21. Damn! That's a shame! And here I am in NYC right now...