Saturday, December 12, 2009

A Funny Holiday Story (with very little kink involved)

Tonight was my company's Holiday party. Driving to the venue I was reminded of last year's Holiday party. I know you ladies love it when a top does something ridiculous, so you're going to appreciate this one...

Last year my wife and I were going to go to the Lair, our local dungeon, after the company party. We packed our fetish clothing in the car to change into once we got to the dungeon. As a treat for my wife I decided, on a whim, to wear a pair of leather-looking bikini underwear with a zipper that ran from the front waistband to the back, around the crotch. Kinky. I thought, after we got home, she'd enjoy "unwrapping my holiday package." These particular underwear I had purchased many years ago as a goof, long before we entered the lifestyle. Unfortunately, they were so old the elastic around the waste was dust. I didn't realize this until long after I had put them on, dressed in my suit and headed to the company Holiday party.

I'm one of the owners of my company and was hosting the "show", an hour of entertainment the four owners put on for the 180 employees and their significant others that were there. I stood on the stage of the hall we had rented, microphone in hand, welcoming everyone to our event when suddenly I felt my underwear creeping down from my waist, the elastic utterly shot. As I shifted from foot to foot making my speech, I felt the kinky undergarments sliding down to the crotch of my slacks. I squirmed a bit, sensing without any rational thought, that everyone could tell exactly what was going on.

As I spoke, I put my hand down the back of my slacks and nonchalantly yanked the bikini briefs back up to my waist. I kept going with my humorous monologue without skipping a beat, but a moment later they were down again, only lower than ever. I plunged my hands down the back of my pants again, yanking up those leatherette briefs all over again. And again they dropped. I couldn't take it any longer. Squirming more obviously, I reached into the front of my pants and pulled again, trying intentionally to give myself a wedgie in the hopes those fucking briefs would stay up, even if they were held up by riding waaaay up my asscrack.

I was told in public speaking training years ago to always acknowledge the obvious, so I said to everyone, "I'm wearing old underwear. The elastic's gone. I'm just trying to keep the damn things up." Everyone in the house roared in laughter. I handed the mic over to one of my partners, promptly walked off the stage, face red as Santa's coat, and into the men's room. I slammed the stall door open, shut it behind me, took off my shoes and then dropped my pants. Those annoying fucking briefs dropped to my ankles. I pulled my pants off in the stall, then yanked those damn bikinis off. I re-dressed, going commando, and went out into the men's room. There were a couple of guys from the office in there. I dunked the briefs into the trash as one of the guys looked at me, looked at the trash can and said, "I thought you were kidding."

I wish.

10 comments:

  1. OMG, Craig! This story practically had me in tears...laughing. I mean, I'm sympathetic to your embarrassing plight and all, but...

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  2. I understand, Jada. If it wasn't embarrassingly funny, and if I wasn't willing to share, I wouldn't've bothered.

    C

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  3. LOL! I've heard of ladies losing their undies due to tired elastic, but never a guy.

    I guess I'm wondering why you couldn't have just ignored them. I mean, unless you were wearing a kilt (you weren't, were you?) they wouldn't have gone anywhere.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

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  4. I'll have to confess, Hermione, that I had the same thought.

    Oh, and just the thought of Craig in a kilt...Wow!

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  5. Oh my God oh my God... that is hysterical!! :-D What a great story! Talk about a wardrobe malfunction...

    I can understand why you didn't just ignore them. If they were falling that rapidly, they could very well have slid down and been hanging out of the bottom of your pant leg. Sounds like you handled it in the most humorous fashion! -- Erica

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  6. I SHOULD have ignored them, Hermione! The problem is, they dropped so low in my slacks that I thought if I was to try to walk I wouldn't be able to do it. I wasn't really thinking about it. It was an absent-minded thing while I tried to find the words for my speech.

    C

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  7. Jada/Hermione: I have a fetish kilt. Black, with zippers and rings all around. I don't wear it very often because ERICA HATES kilts!

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  8. Well, Erica, that would be impossible. Because of the leg in each leg opening on both the pants and the briefs technically there is no way the brief could slide out one pant leg. Trust me, I thought about it up there on stage...

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  9. Oh, duh. That's right. Silly me, what was I thinking. Well, it certainly would have made a funny/awkward/inappropriate bulge, anyway. -- Erica

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  10. It was indeed. And with all my concentration on talking, whatever was going on in my pants had a life of its own (yes, I realize that's ripe for more jokes).

    C

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