Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Another Funny/Embarrassing Story

Years ago a contract employee at the company I worked for ran and hosted a cable TV show and website devoted to discussions on adult film. My friend considered himself the Leonard Maltin of porn (my description, not his). Maybe more the Harry Knowles of porn. He had a system for reviewing all the VHS tapes that came in, but he was starting to get a lot of DVDs. He hadn't yet invested in this newfangled DVD thing. I had a DVD player and knowing I was a writer I offered an exchange: give me the DVDs and I'll write porn reviews for your site. He took me up on the offer. It was a win/win. I had wank material and he got pithy reviews.

I didn't take the growing supply of DVDs home for fear my kids would find them, so I kept them in a box that I kept secret in my office at work. When I moved offices, that box went into storage at my company somehow and, to be honest, I forgot all about it.

Yesterday I get an email from a female employee at my place of business. "I found your box of porn," the communication said, almost like it was a blackmail letter. Immediately I felt the steely grip of nausea sweep over me. What do I write? What do I do? I wrote back, "You're right. That is my porn. But for the record, I only had it because I was writing reviews for a website." As if that somehow made it more legit. I had used a nom de plume when writing because...well...duh. Panic setting in, I decided to Google that pen name. To my amazement, a number of reviews still existed in the aether of the interwebs. I quickly copied and pasted the Google search results and sent it back to the young lady who had the misfortune to stumble upon EuroHotties #16 and Fists of Fury 4.

After sending her the links I didn't hear back. In my own twisted mind I figured the links to the porn site with the reviews of crappy adult films written under a pen name would some how legitimize that box of porn. Later that evening I paid a visit to the H.R. lady and had a casual chat, just to see if she had anything she needed to say to me. Fortunately, everything seems fine.

I should just track that box down and donate it before someone less--understanding?--finds it.


  1. I think she should have read the reviews. They were quite entertaining. :-D But yeah, I can just feel the panic and nausea that must have swept through you! In today's overly PC climate (not to mention lawsuit-happy), that could have been a disaster.

    Where does one donate porn, anyway? -- Erica

  2. omg.. I think the heart attack would have killed me before the pending lawsuit even went to court. LOL

    The only thing that has ever put that god awful pit in my stomach.. was sending a very ranting reply about the ignoramuses we had to deal with back to and individual about a nasty group of women on our one newsgroup we were both on.. and it actually went DIRECTLY TO the friggin newsgroup (!!), and not to the individual I meant it to go to. (oops. insert heart palpitations here) Talk about scrambling to reach an admin --IN AUSTRALIA-- .. not .. I was doomed. Took years to get over the embarrassment and humiliation of that! LMAO