Friday, January 8, 2010

Mental Manipulation versus a quick Mind Fuck

I've spent a lot of time on this blog talking about the differences I perceive between the BDSM and spanking worlds. I've talked about protocols, scenes, respect, intensity, communication, joy, fear, chemistry and a whole lot more. One thing I haven't spent much musings on is the mind. The differences between the two worlds are can be seen in this realm, too.

In the BDSM world, there is much said (and more done) with regard to mind games, mental supremacy, protocols to create superiority both physical and mental and much more. These can lead to some serious fucked up shit. There are those who chose to twist their own mental problems, disassociations, childhood issues or whatever into mind games they exert on others. This they see as part of the scene. Part of "the play." As discussed on this blog time and again, that's all fine and dandy when the two parties are consenting to play. Hey, if you want to be mentally fucked up, go for it! As long as you're lucid and know what you want, who's to stop you?

I'm not saying this doesn't exist in the spanking world. Not at all. Mind games are integral to a good scene. Essential. The psychology of a scene often involves carefully played discipline both physical and mental. But generally speaking, in this writer's opinion, in the spanking world the mind games are often just that: games.

When I plan on using mental play in a scene I'll tip off my play partner this is my intent, or check first to see if she is in the right place emotionally and mentally prior to going on to doing some kind of mind fuck. I don't use mind games at all in my play unless I think my bottom wants it or needs it, and never without inquiring first.

There was a scene with Erica last year in which she really wanted an intensely emotional experience. I knew there were some unresolved issues between us--a misunderstanding, really--that I could use to my advantage, to "tweak" her emotionally and put her in a raw state that would allow her emotions to come to the surface easily. Even as I was planning the scene, I contacted Erica in advance to let her know I intended on using that misunderstanding to my advantage and whatever I said to her during the scene should not be taken personally. I wanted to make sure she was okay with it and she was. The scene was one of our most intense. But like I said, I never would have introduced that mind fuck without consulting with her first.

But so many are manipulative, using mind games to try to take advantage of others, to not only mind fuck them, but to fuck with them in general, usually for their own selfish gain.

Be careful when you deal with individuals in the lifestyle. What often appears nice and friendly, or serious and toppy, could often be nothing more than an individual who's motives are less than genuine. A good top looks out for his/her bottom. Protects them. And when there's energy or chemistry there, it's something to be cherished, not manipulated or twisted for some petty mind game. Chances are, a strong, intelligent person will see right through it for it really is: nothing more than mental manipulation.


  1. I really don't care for mind games, either as part of a scene or in regular vanilla life. It's bad enough when it's in day to day life; I can't imagine how damaging it would be if you add the complications of a BDSM scene or lifestyle. Been there, lived with vanilla people who played them, and it's not a fun way to exist. I prefer honesty and straightforwardness.


  2. I hear you, Hermione. Aside from my obvious exceptions, I couldn't agree with you more.


  3. It takes a lot of trust for me to let a Top get into my head enough to manipulate my emotions during a scene. I would consider it the height of betrayal for someone to twist my feelings for his own selfish ends--tearing me down rather than helping me become centered and strengthened through our experiences together.

  4. Dear Jada:

    Then I take it as an extraordinary compliment that we were able to go there. Thank you!


  5. It's about consensuality, caring and trust. If a top has his own agenda that the bottom has no awareness of, things can get ugly.

    I can definitely be in a place where I relish a mental as well as a physical scene. But if I'm going to hand over my body AND my vulnerability to a top, I need to know he's going to take good care of them. When that trust is violated, it can be shattering.

    But when the vulnerability and trust are respected, the result can be hugely rewarding and memorable for both partners. :-) -- Erica

  6. Well said, Erica. Thanks for your lucid comments.


  7. Bravo! And amen to that! Couldn't have voiced it any better if I had tried. With that being said... My mind is the key to all else. So, with me, it is still "engage my mind, and my body follows". But of course, that line that is quoted so often and understood by few,.. is on a whole other plane than the 'mind manipulators' that you spoke of in your blog.

    No matter whether you are topping or bottoming, I feel like the mindset of each partner should be on an equal playing field. Showing respect goes a long, long way.. and will usually come back tenfold.

    Great blog!