Sunday, February 7, 2010

Gentleman First, Top Second

If you've been a reader of my blog, you'll know I don't subscribe to the whole D/s thing (not that there's anything wrong with it). I'm not into the protocol, demeaning, subservient thing. So when we're at the Lair, our local BDSM dungeon, we hang out in the kitchen when it's cold out. People come and go to get the homemade cookies, grab some of the soup made from scratch, nibble on candy or fresh veggies or get a cup of coffee. Of course, occasionally, (as Erica has posted on her blog) there's also a bit of countertop fucking or perhaps some occasional punishment by the proprietor of the establishment, Kane. There are two bar stool height seats near the door, which inevitably is where Erica and my wife position themselves. I stand by these seats chatting away, saying hi to acquaintances as they pass in and out. Occasionally, I end up near the constantly opening and closing door.

I end up opening the door, holding it open, closing it constantly for many of the people coming in and out. One of the regular dominants there said to me recently, under his breath, "You really shouldn't keep getting the door. People will think you're a sub." Me? A sub? WTF? He walked away, and the next person came along and I didn't grab the door. I didn't move out of the way. The person had to mumble something to me and press their way past me. Immediately, I felt uncomfortable. Why?

Because my adage from the start of this whole lifestyle thing has been this:

I'm a gentleman first, a top second.

I'm sorry folks, but why should being a dominant or a top preclude you from good manners? From being couth? From being respectful to others? Woman or man, top or bottom, if you're in the way, why wouldn't you be polite? If you're standing, hands free, by the door and you can grab the door knob, why wouldn't you?

It's a little thing, I know. But allow me to tell you another story: my wife and I were chatting in the kitchen with some friends (not Erica and J this time). One of the regular doms pushes past my wife, intentionally bumping into her. Now my wife is a switch, and on this night, she was totally Dominatrix'd out--femme dom to the max. Believe it or not, I could see a male dom pushing past a sub. I'm not saying I'd be keen to it, but I could see that as "acceptable" in some way in their world. But with her in her thigh-high leather boots and kinky black leather corset, it was uncalled for. Hell, it was uncalled for anyway. My wife, in full top mode, said, "Well, excuse you." And good for her. Where does this guy get off bumping intentionally into anyone, anyway?

So that's my position. What say you?


  1. Oh, this makes me mad. Not at you, of course. Is there any wonder left why I can't stand that place? I'm willing to bet you'd never get a stupid comment like that at a spanking party.

    As for the oaf that came barreling into your wife, I would have said the same thing she did. Good for her. I hope she would have said it even if she were in bottom mode that night. Rude is rude. -- Erica

  2. I much prefer to deal with people who can treat everyone with courtesy no matter their orientation. I find it slightly curious that your gentlemanly behavior garnered comment, while the Dom that pushed past your wife exhibited "acceptable" behavior. I'm not one who puts down the BDSM society at all, but that particular quirk is not one I would handle well.

  3. Erica:

    Of course you know you're right. She absolutely would have said something, even in "bottom mode."


  4. Maybe it's just a quirk of where we play, not having broad experience in the BDSM scene outside of that venue, but I have a hunch the behavior is consistent, within certain limits, everywhere.

    Thanks for the comment, Jada.