Wednesday, March 17, 2010
All Good Things Must Come To An End
I often half-joke: "I can't have nice things." Fucked-up, yes, but occasionally I feel this way. Don't know what that says about me and don't want to know.
Yesterday, Erica made the decision she can no longer go to the local dungeon where we play. She's not a BDSMer, she's a spanko. She's never been comfortable there and as she's blogged numerous times, she gets weirded out easily. Even our first scene together there, a year ago, started poorly because she was so skittish about being there. I understand where she's coming from. There can be a lot of weirdness at the Lair, from naked men with saline-filled scrotums the size of grapefruit to howling to weird lurkers. It's just the way it is. It certainly can be disconcerting to the best of us.
This is a bad thing for both of us. It sucks we can't play together any longer. It sucks that Cindy and John won't play. We have developed a simpatico over time, a true connection. I'm sure you regular readers have absorbed my accounts of our scenes and how appreciative I've been of our near-psychic connection. You'll also know from reading those blogs how important and meaningful those experiences have been to me.
To think about that being gone and done with is painful. To think that piece of our relationship is over is very hard indeed.
Does that make me sound like a pussy? I don't care. Our scenes were extraordinary. Our bond unique and the trust she put into my hands meant a great deal to me. When I was still discovering who I was as a player and a member of the community, those scenes helped me realize who I am in the lifestyle, what is important to me, what my values are.
Further, Erica came into my universe at a pivotal moment for my life. I haven't talked about it much, but I'd just finished a four-plus year health and weight loss plan, resulting in almost a 100 pound weight loss, a suit size reduction from 54 to 42 and a pant size reduction from 40W to 32W. I was "blossoming" as a new person, discovering myself in some ways for the first time, gaining new confidence I perhaps never had.
It was at the Shadow Lane party in Vegas, the first party my wife and I ever attended, and I was in a private suite party, meeting Erica's boyfriend and chatting with him. I had yet to see Erica, meet her, and, because I'm not a spanko, had no idea who she was or that she was a spanking model. Standing there talking, she walked right up to me, grabbed my hand and said, "Oh, I've been looking for you since I saw you in the ballroom." She dragged me into the bedroom, practically pushed me down onto the bed and was quickly tossing herself lightly across my lap for a bit of the ole' OTK. Little did I know but my non-spanking experience made me a very good spanker. I did things differently. I played interesting mind games. She liked it.
That grabbing-of-my-hand was huge. I wasn't feeling too sure of myself at that party full of strangers, wondering how to fit in. This beautiful woman--who I later learned was revered in many circles as a spanking video star and renown for her tolerance and "bionic butt"--had come to me, had grabbed my hand and had wanted me to spank her. It was a game-changer, as they say. She instilled in me, in that moment, a galvanizing conviction that I was worthy. Physically, I had transformed. Mentally, I was still that fat guy who often felt invisible for many decades.
(Ladies, I hope I'm not crushing your image of me. I'm just a bit raw at the moment and feeling, like always, well...honest.)
I've often told Erica I owe her a life debt over that first play experience at Shadow Lane. And then, over the last year, our near-monthly scenes had been extraordinary. At Shadow Lane's party in Vegas in September we played eight or nine times, if memory serves me correctly, and we had a smashing good time. Some scenes were intense to the point I brought her to tears, others were playful and in front of a "live audience" (the one in which she threw the ruler I had been using across the room and nearly hit my gorgeous wife, OTK with another man, a few yards away).
So, I come to a moment of regret and profound sadness. I know that doesn't sound very toppy. And I know this not the end of my relationship with her. I know we will play again. But something about the Lair offered us unconditional freedom to do what we wanted and make whatever noises needed to be made. The atmosphere (the physical atmosphere of the darkness, the furnishings, etc.) created a mood and a decent psychological ambiance as well that lent itself to our scenes in a positive way.
And that is now over.
But I do not, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT begrudge her in any way. This is not a rant or flame about her decision. This is about how this has left me feeling.
So...no more blogs about my scenes with Erica. You all will have to find your vicarious spanking-cum-borderline BDSM experiences elsewhere. I'll scene with others. I have and I do. But they're different. Better in some ways, not the same in others. (Erica never let me use "poky things" like vampire gloves--my favorites!)