Thursday, July 1, 2010


I’m reading a very interesting booked called “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” (thank you, Lizzie!). It’s available on Amazon.

The book delves into a wide variety of relationship types ranging from the D/s, master/slave, to traditional swinging, polyamory, nonmonogomy and a variety of interesting and unusual permutations.

In reading through this book I came across a fascinating section on how we feel when we enter into new relationships:

“When you meet someone you like, when your crush is reciprocated, when you first pursue a relationship, you’re blissed out. You can’t get your mind off him. You’re anxious until the next time you see her. You’re completely focused on the two of you-it’s easy to shut out the rest of the world. When you’re together, you can’t keep your hands off each other.

Research has shown that many of these feelings and behaviors stem from chemical changes in your brain. When you first feel attraction, begin a relationship, and fall in love, levels of dopamine and norepinephrine (natural stimulants) increase in the limbic system; in addition, activity increases in the parts of your brain involved in arousal and pleasure.

When you bundle together the physical (chemical changes in your body) and the emotional and psychological (intense feelings and thoughts), you’ve got what some people call new relationship energy (often referred to as NRE)."

The term is more commonly known as limerence. Limerence is defined by "The New Oxford American Dictionary" as the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically involuntarily, and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.


There it was, right on the page. A definition I’d been looking for, a word I could never find because I didn’t knew it even existed. Limerence. How many of us have experience limerence in our kink relationships? Or NRE? What have your experiences been like? Good or bad? Is it a “drug” to you that you want to have again and again? Or does it just happen (the word “involuntarily” is used in the definition, isn’t it?).


  1. This is fascinating stuff. I have felt like this before too, and I always defined the feelings as "spanko crushes." Limerence is a very cool word; I'd never heard of it before.

    I was just thinking about this recently, when reflecting about my first spanker. I thought I had fallen in love with him, because I was so completely consumed with thoughts of him after we played and felt devastated when he turned out to be "not that into me." But then I realized I was in love with what he gave me... In truth, I barely knew him.

    The bonds we forge within scene are unlike any other, and they are unique, separate from our primary relationships if we have those. So many people don't understand this phenomenon.

    Definitely going to order this book!

  2. Thanks for the nice note. Yeah, that's passage has resonated with many.


  3. Wow! "Limerence"!.. Sacré bleu! What a great find! Oooh I'm such a research geek.. and this little bit of knowledge you've shared here (merci beaucoup by the way to you AND Lizzie!) .. well it absolutely makes me salivate!

    I've often wondered how to describe what it is that I feel with a spanking partner, especially when I don't want, nor feel the need to consummate that relationship in a sexual way. Due to the intimacy of the time spent together though, I feel a need to build a more in depth type of strong bond where the levels of trust and respect supersede a regular friendship or acquaintance. This, for me.. does not involve 'romance'.. albeit I can sometimes romanticize the play time with a special play partner.. and still maintain above board decorum, and not cross a line of 'no return'.

    For me, a 'spanko relationship' takes on an intimacy that few understand .. as they don't see how it is possible to balance those fine lines of such an intimate connection.

    Granted.. if I was currently in a committed relationship (which I am not), however, if I was in a relationship where we both shared an equal passion about spanking.. then perhaps I'd not have a desire to 'scratch that spanking itch' as they say. Or, perhaps the open communication with said partner, would allow us both an opportunity to explore what makes us tick.. and therefore find no malice in seeking out other individuals in order to expand our horizons.

    I'm of the belief.. that in life.. our bodies and minds change (physiologically, mentally, and emotionally) .. and without a partner that grows with you as you take on life's challenges and changes.. I personally cannot see monogamy being something lasting. By each partner seeing the benefit of exploration.. without a need or desire within that exploration to bring that outside play to the most intimate of consummations, "sex".. (which you reserve for your life partner).. then I see monogamy having lasting capabilities. :-)

    (and god, I wish there was a way for me to get notified when you blog.. (shakes head).. cause I hate being a day or two late to the party. LOL)

    ((hugs for being you Craig))

  4. And hugs for being verbose, Zelle! ;-)

  5. Gee Craig.. and here I thought I was holding back and Feeling bad for not addressing all ya wrote!