Monday, May 2, 2011

SSNY's Boardwalk Badness Talent Show Report

(NOTE: My trip report from BBW will be up tonight or tomorrow. In the mean time...)

Really, this post has fuck all to do with spanking and kink, but I thought it was a fun thing to share nonetheless...

As you may recall from last year I signed up for the Karaoke night at SSNY. I did a current rock song that was popular at the time, a great track called Dancer by The Killers. Joe sang New York, New York (at least I think it was that) and won. In my opinion, he was a better singer than me, but I think he also won because everyone there knew Sinatra and couldn't relate to The Killers.

Being rather competitive, I thought I'd try to do better this year. I researched "Top Karaoke Songs" and came up with a list of a dozen or so songs that I thought were in my wheelhouse, so to speak. I bought the karaoke tracks off iTunes, printed out the lyrics and tried them out. I looked for rousing, popular songs with no instrumental sections (good lord, don't wanna watch me dance!), short length and fast pace.

My shortlist?
  • Papa Loved Mama by Garth Brooks (too long of an instrumental--bad for karaoke if you're white and can't dance
  • Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks (too wide of an octave range)
  • I'm a Believer (good rousing tune people can tap their foot to)
  • Keep Feeling Fascination by Human League (oops--there's big girl's part in there)
  • Don't Stand So Close to Me by Sting and/or The Police (apropos, plus bonus points because in the music video from the 80s Sting dresses like an English schoolteacher and waves around an old wicker rug beater--in the end, I couldn't "find" the melody for the chorus which is all harmony and no melody line--I even listened to the live version to try to find it)
  • Rock n Roll High School by The Ramones (fun song, apropos, but no real chops necessary)
  • Head Over Heels by Tears for Fears (too much false setto)
  • Cruel to Be Kind by Nick Lowe (apropos, in my range and fun--but a long instrumental again, a bit repetitive and kinda monotonastic, if that's a word)
  • What I Like About You by The Romantics (all repetition)
  • Video Killed The Radio Star by the Buggles (long, lame, complicated)
In the end, it boiled down to Cruel to Be Kind, Don't Stand So Close to Me, and I'm a Believer. Going into the recording studio at the office, I took the karaoke tracks and laid down my own vocals on top, listened to them, then chose I'm a Believer(Hey, you want to hear the track as I did it in the studio? Email me and I'll be delighted to send it to you!)

At the party, it came time for me to do my number. I got up on stage, the iPod kicked in and the song began. I barely got through the very short first verse and into the even shorter chorus when judge Richard Windsor (playing the Simon Cowell role along with Miranda as a sedated Paula Abdul and Miss Chriss as a constantly "dawg"-ing Randy Jackson) began to make stinky faces. By the start of the second verse I was getting distracted by Richard/Simon making a move toward the gong (what fucked up American Idol-meets-The Gong Show this talent show was, I'll never know!) and I know I started to go a little flat. 

I got gonged.

Richard/Simon felt, after last year's knock-it-out-of-the-park cover of The Killer's Human that my choice of bubble gum pop The Monkees (or Smashmouth as someone younger behind the judges shouted out) was too lame and beneath me.

It was all in good fun. A talent show needs a few gongs for entertainment value. I wasn't the best act, no doubt. In the end, it was a hoot and I look forward to belting out something more to Richard's/Simon's tastes next year... Perhaps Cee Lo's Fuck You?


  1. Booooooooooooooo! I liked it! :-D

  2. The ONLY part where I could speak in my defense is that no one else was going to use the gong, the only time they did I literally had to hand it to one of the other judges :-) That said though, I meant every word, you were in my top 3 last year as I loved your version of 'Dancer'. Was even hoping you would do it again, if not that then as a Rockpile fan sucking up to the judges with 'Cruel to be kind' would have been good :-)

    Thanks for being such a good sport, Craig.


  3. Hey, Richard!

    Well, you can see my thought process that led me to The Monkees. That being said, no harm no foul. It was a talent show at a spanking party for God's sake, not world news... It was all in good fun and I'll do it again in a heart beat next year.

    Safe travels, Mate!


  4. YOU said:
    (Hey, you want to hear the track as I did it in the studio? Email me and I'll be delighted to send it to you!)

    I do! I do! I'll Yahoo you, so you can Yahoo me back!

  5. I LOVE the Monkees. Actually met Peter Tork in person. I'm still convinced that I'm going to marry him. lol.

    Yes, they DID seem to blend quite a few shows in one, didn't they? Makes me think they don't actually watch any of those shows...I would have loved for Richard Windsor to dress and talk like Sharon Osbourne.

  6. Hey Anonymous!

    Wow! Peter Tork. Cool! Richard Windsor as Sharon Osbourne? Hilarious! Could go well with the other drag going on on the SSNY videos...