Monday, August 6, 2012

Dom, Top, Disciplinarian, Master

There are a lot of terms used to describe someone who leans (or is) into dominance/submission. I myself wrote about the differences between being tops and doms back in 2009. But there are as many views about terminology as there are kinksters, with no clear delineation between one term and another. You've got all kinds of labels/descriptors: doms, tops, disciplinarians, masters, sirs, etc. Many (if not most) in the leather community believe titles such as "sir" and "master" are bestowed, earned. There are far too many asshats (Erica's term, lovingly borrowed) out there trolling alt.com and FetLife who've given themselves a title, naively or simply because they don't care.

I've never gone with a descriptor other than top, even though there are times and with certain individuals when my demeanor, attitude and approach leans toward dom, to be sure. First of all, I think some of those titles truly are earned. I'm not a master at shit. I'd love to be, but I'm not, even after being in the lifestyle publicly for a number of years. And certainly my opinion on such things has been an evolution over the years. 

As you could read from that post linked above, I was pretty adamant to being a top, period. But over time, in developing relationships with others, and in discovering myself, I've watched as my own leanings bent toward being a dominant. Some tell me such inclinations are inherent to the individual and that my own dominant traits are innate. I don't know. I certainly know that a person can bring out that trait a lot stronger in me than others. Lizzie, for example, was the one of the first people to really pull out my dominant side even before I saw it as such. Over time she and I have developed our own protocol, our own version of D/s that works for us. I don't have anything to compare it to. Other experiments with other women have had varying degrees of success for varying reasons. 

One description I came up with for my particular type of dominance I wrote as "...a life coach with consequences." I helped keep my play partner on track, within certain guidelines and goals and if she veered off course, there was hell to pay. Since then, I think my leanings with LIzzie could be seen as even more D/s than that. 

(I'd love to hear her perspective on the subject in a blog of hers someday. I've always been keen on the top/bottom perspectives to the same subject. In the past, Erica & I and Lizzie & I have blogged about our scenes from each of our viewpoints and recollections, which I personally found fascinating. A bit Rashomon at times.)

Whether I'm drawn into being a dom, a top or a disciplinarian I try to do it in a way where I'm learning as I go and being as real to the moment as I can be. As my own evolution continues I will strive to share it with each of you, Fellow Kinksters. 

7 comments:

  1. The dichotomy between then and now is lovely. Quite intriguing. :)

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    1. You think so? I vacillate between embarrassment and marveling at my own evolution.

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  2. I'm finding in my own journey that it's difficult to define such roles, especially when approaching it from a more organic, unscripted perspective. I don't think being a bottom automatically makes me a sub, but my current relationship certainly calls for it. My first experience being a bottom was completely different, and I would never have considered him worthy of being the Dom to my sub. I'm assuming every pairing will bring about a different chemistry allowing for those various shades of what it is to be a top/dom/master/etc.

    SC

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  3. Labels are always tricky and mean something different to everyone. Simply put, to me, I think top and bottom refers to someone giving or receiving in a particular scene. Period. I've always felt Dom and sub to involve more of a personal relationship, not just momentary play partners. But that's just my opinion. I consider myself to be a bottom and those I play with are tops. I'm in no long term relationships at the moment.

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    1. Thanks for your thoughts, Lea!

      I agree with what you're saying. A good splitting of hairs...

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