My choice to pursue aspects of my lifestyle have had their rewards—wonderful friends, a new, amazing partner—but also some negatives as well. I've made mistakes. Terrible mistakes. I've hurt my play partner with wayward strikes (and always, always, always feel terrible). I've played when my head was in a negative place, much to the danger and injury of a play partner. (That was a painful lesson never to be repeated.) But worst of all, I arrogantly felt I could easily navigate the waters of poly (or at least scene) relationships.
"This'll be easy," I thought. "You just pay attention to everyone in the relationship and everything will be fine." But everything wasn't fine. In more than one attempt.
Relationships develop in their own ways, which can lead to an imbalance in the way those various relationships grow. A partner creates their own expectations, which may or may not meet with the other's. An early scene relationship fell to this. Thankfully, we were able to talk through the issue and remain good friends. Thank god.
But another relationship didn't end so well. Mistakes, misunderstandings and lies—from both parties—led to distrust, dysfunction, hurt feelings and worse. The hardest part of all was that I allowed myself to let this continue, convinced that fixing the problem would be harder than just continuing as it was. My own arrogance in believing that I had the skill and the experience to make this work simply wasn't the case. My inability to be honest just made it worse. Like I said, there were mistakes on both sides, dysfunction that led to dysfunction, but the sad reality was that I truly loved this person. And I tainted it. Then ruined it.
I mention this because I've tried, from the very beginning, to be honest with these posts—to share the good and the bad of my experiences. These were painful ones. One was terrible. I hurt more than the relationship, I hurt people I cared about and loved in the process.
I know simply writing this doesn't make any of it better. I beat myself up every day (now that's a laugh—coming from a sadist), but I regret my actions, regret my behavior and sincerely hope that someday this person I cared for so deeply will forgive me for my stupidity, my callousness, my misjudgment and most of all, my arrogance. And more than anything, I'm happy that the other person already has.