Sunday, October 7, 2012

Arrogant Mistakes

(NOTE: This does not have anything to do with my recent announcement of my divorce. One did not lead to the other. One was not the result of the other. Just to dispel any thoughts before you begin...) 

My choice to pursue aspects of my lifestyle have had their rewards—wonderful friends, a new, amazing partner—but also some negatives as well. I've made mistakes. Terrible mistakes. I've hurt my play partner with wayward strikes (and always, always, always feel terrible). I've played when my head was in a negative place, much to the danger and injury of a play partner. (That was a painful lesson never to be repeated.) But worst of all, I arrogantly felt I could easily navigate the waters of poly (or at least scene) relationships. 

"This'll be easy," I thought. "You just pay attention to everyone in the relationship and everything will be fine." But everything wasn't fine. In more than one attempt. 

Relationships develop in their own ways, which can lead to an imbalance in the way those various relationships grow. A partner creates their own expectations, which may or may not meet with the other's. An early scene relationship fell to this. Thankfully, we were able to talk through the issue and remain good friends. Thank god.

But another relationship didn't end so well. Mistakes, misunderstandings and lies—from both parties—led to distrust, dysfunction, hurt feelings and worse. The hardest part of all was that I allowed myself to let this continue, convinced that fixing the problem would be harder than just continuing as it was. My own arrogance in believing that I had the skill and the experience to make this work simply wasn't the case. My inability to be honest just made it worse. Like I said, there were mistakes on both sides, dysfunction that led to dysfunction, but the sad reality was that I truly loved this person. And I tainted it. Then ruined it.

I mention this because I've tried, from the very beginning, to be honest with these posts—to share the good and the bad of my experiences. These were painful ones. One was terrible. I hurt more than the relationship, I hurt people I cared about and loved in the process. 

I know simply writing this doesn't make any of it better. I beat myself up every day (now that's a laugh—coming from a sadist), but I regret my actions, regret my behavior and sincerely hope that someday this person I cared for so deeply will forgive me for my stupidity, my callousness, my misjudgment and most of all, my arrogance. And more than anything, I'm happy that the other person already has.

8 comments:

  1. Im sorry to read that you are facing a divorce
    :(
    Relationships are hard, no matter the dynamic. Mistakes are always made, from both/all parties in the relationship - this is just human nature. This is a very heartfelt sincere apology and I hope that you find the forgiveness you are seeking
    Chin up :)
    hugs kiwi xxx

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    1. Thanks for that, kiwigirliegirl. I appreciate your compassion.

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  2. I hear your pain, yet I selfishly sit and wonder how I can learn from your mistakes...

    xo,
    SC

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  3. Poly is SO hard. If I could hardly handle one person, what makes me think I could handle more than one? Or one who has several other relationships already? I think the things we grow up learning about how "traditional" relationships are supposed to be can really work against us. Dishonesty happens. Jealousy happens. Mistakes happen. But communication is even more important when there's several people in the mix. I hope you're able to move past what went on and the other person and you can remain on good terms.

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    1. What you said about what we grew up with biting you in the ass is so true. I feel horrible about how I handled these things and I felt compelling for reasons I can't even explain to purge this from me. I own it, I did it, but somehow I felt writing about it could make it better.

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  4. I am literally standing up and applauding you right now. There are so few people in the world that take "ownership" of their mistakes and issues. It's a brave thing and certainly not easy to do. Kudos to you!

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    1. Thanks, Lolli. I appreciate your support.

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