Friday, October 5, 2012

Kink Advice

Just because I have a blog doesn't make me an expert. I certainly don't feel like one. I've got a lot to learn. Still, Fellow Kinksters will occasionally write to ask me questions, get opinions, seek advice.

Recently, a reader send me an email and asked:

I know how I feel and what I crave, but I don't know how to go about relaying this to my better half.

We've been together for 22 years, we were both teenagers when we got together. It was obviousthat we both enjoyed some aspects of the D/s lifestyle, even though we knew nothing about D/s. We were into "vanilla kink" and brought spanking into our relationship about 8 years later. But it was only part of foreplay and it never hurt. Our sex life has always been great. But I just feel an almost hollowness inside because this is something I crave...or at the least crave the experience to see if it's truly me. With him, we take one step forward and then four steps back. I've tried to explain it to him from my point of view and how it should make him feel and how he should want this, and I know I'm all wrong for that.

I seriously pondered my response because, in some ways, it followed my own journey into the lifestyle. I wrote back, then reread my correspondance and thought it was worth sharing. So with her permission, here's what I sent her. If it strikes a chord or sounds familiar to you, I'd love your comments. It might help this Fellow Kinkster seeking advice.

I've heard (and experienced) your story before, and it's not unusual.

I had sadistic and fucked-up sexual fantasies when I was a teenager. I was a pastor's son, so I found my fantasies literally one step away from becoming a serial killer. I had no clue such a thing could be consenting. I was fearful I would grow up to be a rapist. So I put it all away. Buried it. Flash forward some 25 years and my wife came out to me and told me she discovered she was a masochist and had had it buried her whole life and now that the kids were older was discovering this about herself. She wanted to explore it with me. I freaked. And I didn't know why I freaked. I was open to try "kinky" stuff, but as you say, vanilla kink. I certainly looked at my share of kinky porn, but nothing "extreme." But my reaction to this scared me. So I sought out a kink-aware professional in the therapy community and started to see her to get a grip on my wife's newfound lifestyle choice. This led to opening up my own memories that I had buried so deeply, then coming to grips with my own sadism.

I don't believe people can be "coaxed along." I've seen (and heard of) too many relationships were one person was born this way and the other went through the motions to please the person they loved. I can assure you it's none too satisfying for either partner. In the end, one of three things happen:

  1. the kinky one buries their predilections
  2. the kinky one goes out and "cheats" to get what they need, behind the backs of their partners
  3. the kinky one sits their partner down and says, "It has nothing to do with you, but I can't get what I need from you in this regard" and then explains to their partner that they need to go outside of the relationship to get it. That can be quite devastating for the recipient of that message to hear and can lead to the ultimate destruction of the relationship. Other times, that person is secure enough on their own to let it happen—sometimes with visual "supervision" to ensure the partner's safety.
If you feel the call of what you know is true to what's inside of you, only #3 can really give you peace, even if it involves the most risk. Too many couples find themselves in the first or second scenario and in neither case can those be satisfying, meaningful and without their inherent angst, frustration or damage to the relationship.

So what say you?


  1. I've gone through options 1, 2 and 3... I don't have the answers, but one thing is certain and that is that it depends on the person making the decision, their partner, and how important their kink is vs. the relationship with their vanilla partner.

    I've learned not to judge others for choosing to live their lives as they wish... whether they live lives I cannot possibly comprehend, or if they parallel mine in any way. While our happiness is important, so is the happiness of the ones we love most- even if they don't share our kink.


    1. Extraordinarily well said, SpankCake. Thank you for your comments. I share your lessons learned and though I judge at times I try to be a better person.

  2. This is indeed a tough situation. I agree with SC; it depends on the strength of the need/desire vs. the relationship and how it may be impacted.

    Option #1 is one far too many people take and I hurt for them, because it really sucks. You shouldn't have to deny yourself. I know there is a ton of controversy around #2 -- it's a hot-button topic, because people yell CHEATING. I take the unpopular view -- sometimes, a person has to do what they have to do, in order to get their needs fulfilled. I don't recommend #2, however, but not because of the morality business. Because it's awkward, limited and nerve-wracking.

    I AM in Situation #3 -- I love my partner with all my heart, but I get my kink needs fulfilled outside of my relationship, with his blessing. I wish more people could be as open-minded and non-possessive as he is. Life (and relationships, particularly within our kink) would be a lot easier.

    I know one thing for certain -- I will never deny my kink needs again, ever. I went too long without satisfying them, and I know now they are part of who I am and play is good for my well-being. So... I could not be with someone who wasn't into it, or didn't OK it with others. Period.

    1. Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply, Erica. I had hoped you would weigh in on this for my reader.

  3. I find myself in this same situation and seem to be leaning towards choice #1. It's not a choice I like, but I love my partner too much to even consider #2 or #3 at this time. I wish your reader good luck figuring out a satisfying answer, and if she finds one, please, let me know.

    1. Thank you, faerie. It's all good fodder and I'm sure she appreciates any input she can get from others.

  4. Honestly, I feel that there should be a 3a and a 3b. I believe you're correct in stating (most) people can not be coaxed along. However, I believe 3a needs to be the moment when you sit down with your partner and spell out firmly and concisely your needs. I think your partner should be given the chance to meet them before you make the decision to go outside the confines or your relationship, even if it's only to find out he/she cannot fulfill what you need. That "going through the motions" only ends in unsatisfied, questioning, worried lovers.

    Even if you feel you've already gone down this path, it has to be done at least once without blame, without expectation, without telling him/her why they SHOULD want this or do this for you. Simply laid out as what you need. The option then is for them to try to fill that space (and quite probably not succeed), or to move on to 3b.

    You need to approach 3b knowing that for many people, 3b is not an option. It doesn't matter if it *should* be or if we'd appreciate it if more people were open, less jealous. The simple fact is, in my opinion, many will simply not be able to come to terms with this.

    So then you're back to 1. Or 4, which is to leave.

    Of course I'm not sure how much stock should be taken in what I post, I've never had any truly D/s or "kink" (or whatever you wish to term it) relationships of any length or consequence. Instead my long-term relationships have gone 1, 3a and back to 1. So maybe that's reason enough to do the complete opposite of anything I suggest. ;)

    1. Regardless of your experience, thank you for taking the time to so thoroughly and concisely spell out your opinion.

  5. I totally agree with what you wrote. I believe that people don't change, only their circumstances do. You are into it or you're not. Sure, if a partner is willing they can probably learn the technical skills of spanking or whatever you're into. But that mental part between the two of you is never going to click, in my opinion. And for me, personally, that's a very important part.

    My ex gave it a try after I explained how I felt and what I needed. But I found I fought him a lot on it because truly in my head I didn't see him as being a dominant role. He was vanilla and just doing it to try to appease me. I appreciate that he tried, but it led to a lot of frustration of me feeling like it wasn't right and him just giving up because he didn't understand what I wanted.

    I was (and still am) part of a spanking group across the country and would go out to spanking parties twice a year and play with others. He knew this and said he was okay with it, but I think there was always some jealousy. Probably more than a non vanilla person would have because he couldn't completely grasp how it could be non-sexual and the closeness and bond between kink friends. I think he felt left out.

    Did my relationship end because of my leanings toward spanking? Of course not. If anything, that probably kept us together longer because we were learning something new and it made us have to communicate a lot more. But the bottom line was that it was one of many deeper issues where we just weren't compatible and that wasn't going to change.

    This leaves me in quite a quandary now that I'm single again. Should I even bother dating vanilla when this is such an important part of my life? Not just the spanking itself but the community, the good friends I've made. If someone couldn't accept that about me, I don't think I'd be willing to just drop everything to please them. I don't know. It's definitely not black and white. It'd much easier to just write myself off as an old maid. Yeah I'm only 27, but whatever. Lol. Sorry for the tangent.