Recently, a reader send me an email and asked:
I know how I feel and what I crave, but I don't know how to go about relaying this to my better half.
We've been together for 22 years, we were both teenagers when we got together. It was obviousthat we both enjoyed some aspects of the D/s lifestyle, even though we knew nothing about D/s. We were into "vanilla kink" and brought spanking into our relationship about 8 years later. But it was only part of foreplay and it never hurt. Our sex life has always been great. But I just feel an almost hollowness inside because this is something I crave...or at the least crave the experience to see if it's truly me. With him, we take one step forward and then four steps back. I've tried to explain it to him from my point of view and how it should make him feel and how he should want this, and I know I'm all wrong for that.
I've heard (and experienced) your story before, and it's not unusual.
I had sadistic and fucked-up sexual fantasies when I was a teenager. I was a pastor's son, so I found my fantasies literally one step away from becoming a serial killer. I had no clue such a thing could be consenting. I was fearful I would grow up to be a rapist. So I put it all away. Buried it. Flash forward some 25 years and my wife came out to me and told me she discovered she was a masochist and had had it buried her whole life and now that the kids were older was discovering this about herself. She wanted to explore it with me. I freaked. And I didn't know why I freaked. I was open to try "kinky" stuff, but as you say, vanilla kink. I certainly looked at my share of kinky porn, but nothing "extreme." But my reaction to this scared me. So I sought out a kink-aware professional in the therapy community and started to see her to get a grip on my wife's newfound lifestyle choice. This led to opening up my own memories that I had buried so deeply, then coming to grips with my own sadism.
I don't believe people can be "coaxed along." I've seen (and heard of) too many relationships were one person was born this way and the other went through the motions to please the person they loved. I can assure you it's none too satisfying for either partner. In the end, one of three things happen:
- the kinky one buries their predilections
- the kinky one goes out and "cheats" to get what they need, behind the backs of their partners
- the kinky one sits their partner down and says, "It has nothing to do with you, but I can't get what I need from you in this regard" and then explains to their partner that they need to go outside of the relationship to get it. That can be quite devastating for the recipient of that message to hear and can lead to the ultimate destruction of the relationship. Other times, that person is secure enough on their own to let it happen—sometimes with visual "supervision" to ensure the partner's safety.