If you're looking for a real trip report, as I've written in the past, unfortunately you won't be finding one here this time. Instead, here's a deeply personal discourse on what's going on inside my head at the moment.
So what's changed between then and now? Well, everything. Back then, I was married. Things weren't great. Our lives and kink were going in and taking us in different directions. I've written about all that here as well.
Parties were about promise, opportunity and fulfillment. Meeting new people to fill a void. Taking in as much as I could. Absorbing. Getting as many women over my lap as I could muster before arm muscle spasms and blood blisters would burn out my poor palm. I remember describing myself as an "emotional sponge," trying to take in the intimacy and emotion and connection I so desperately needed.
I found that in my brief encounters in some ways. Some of those encounters grew deeper into longer term relationships, friendships and play partnerships. I've had loves and losses. I've made many friends and lost a few. But most amazingly, I fell in love with a friend and play partner, Lizzie through the course of this adventure. After I filed for divorce those parties took on new meaning: a chance for us to connect, play and find a deeper place in our relationship.
Since my divorce, Lizzie has moved in with me and my family. We love, play, do a variety of truly fucked up things, go to dungeons (and that's in addition to the fucked up things!), explore our own D/s and more. As I said to her this morning as I was going out the door, "If I have to come up with one word to explain how I feel it's fulfilled." She's given me so much.
So going to Boardwalk Badness Weekend in Atlantic City last week came at an interesting time. Lizzie and I spent the first part of this year getting ready to move out of the home I've lived in with my family for 12 years. It was a lot of work to go through stuff, dump things, sell others, pack and move. On top of that, I traveled for business to Europe, we went to a conference together the week before the move, her parents came into town just a couple short weeks after and we then we went out of town for a much-needed vacation, all described here and here.
By the time the calendar rolled around to leave for Atlantic City both us were holding back the urge to shout, "Can't we just stay home?" We had a chuckle when we both admitted that part of what we wanted was just a quiet weekend. But of course we were eager to see friends like Jada, Michael & Kate, Brad and others.
But something had changed as well. Instead of seeking out those parties full of opportunity and fulfillment—charging our batteries with things we couldn't get at home—we have those things now. Everyday. So the party was an odd new thing for me. If I went before to be an emotional sponge to suck up intimacy and emotion and connection these were things I get everyday at home.
Of course, the party was fun. We enjoyed the vendor fair, the suite parties, hanging out with great friends that continue to become even better friends with each encounter. But that driving need that became the impetus for each weekend is gone. Pfffft. So, aside from reconnecting with friends, what's the party for, anyway?
This is what I've struggled with since coming back from BBW. How to explain where my head is at with regard to these parties. I enjoy them. I used to love them, to need them. But I don't need them now. I have what I need. I don't have this driving urge to play with tons of people. I got to play with three of the four people I really cared about and wanted to play with in AC.
What I have to do is discover, for me, what the parties are all about. Are they purely social occasions? A chance to reconnect with friends I rarely get to see elsewhere? An opportunity for Lizzie and I to play in private and just enjoy each other? As soon as I figure it out I'll let you know, Fellow Kinkster.
In the mean time, enjoy the other trip reports. I'm sure they're a great time capsule of what transpired at Resorts in Atlantic City. Once I figure out what parties now mean to me you'll be the first to know.