Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year's Eve Sexiness

She sat on the padded bench, showing off the new thigh-high black leather boots she got for Christmas. She knew what she wanted and she knew what he wanted, too. Before they were to go out, dine, dance, pop the champagne for New Year's eve, she knew she needed a spanking to get her centered, get out of her head and into the mood to celebrate. There was too much going on, too much to think about, too much to stress her out. 

She stretched out, presenting to him in her own way and he pulled out his iPhone and snapped a pic.

For now, if only for a little bit, she looked at him, bared her bottom, and said something intentionally snarky. It was time to have fun, not to think. 

Friday, December 30, 2011

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

What I DO NOT Want for Christmas!

Okay, I realize I talk about (and do) some really kinky shit, but the idea of a Miley Cyrus love doll is just plan squick-y. Sure, she's of legal age, but something about this is just wrong, wrong, wrong. After all, part of it's the packaging: "She's Young, Dumb and Old Enough for Cum!" Really??? Or how about: "Daddy's Little Stoner is Ready for U To Bone Her!" It sounds like the kind of copy that only appears in a posting on Erica's Communication Hall of Shame. 

The manufacturer claims this is one in their Superstar Series, but in further research I could not discover another in the series. Please note: this isn't even a very good "look-alike" on the packaging...

But, for $18.99 on Amazon (and it qualifies for Prime shipping!) you too can get "three achy love holes"!

Sheesh, people. 

Monday, December 26, 2011

An Amazingly Hot Photo Series

Melissa got home from the shoot, ready to please her Mistress. She quickly changed, 


Saturday, December 24, 2011

You Don't Have to Go to Thailand...

According to CNN, women can have their faces and breasts slapped in Thailand in order to make them firmer and larger (faces firmer, breasts larger--just to be clear). Now this is legit, at least in a country where you can get a sex change for about 500 smackers. You can check out the article by clicking on the pic below.

Just to be clear, if you want to have your face or tits slapped, you don't need spend thousands of dollars in airfare. Just come to my dungeon. I'll slap the shit out of 'em for free!

Oh, there's also video of "legit" boob slapping here.

(Special thanks to Beth for passing on this absolutely apeshit article to me!)

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Master vs. Top vs. Dom

I've posted numerous times here about my personal opinions about Top versus Dom over the years. Trolling FL the other night I found this graph as someone's profile pic. After all my opining I think this just about sums it up.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Kinky Christmas, Part IX

Normally my topics don't stray to golden showers, but today I had to contribute to my Kinky Christmas series with this fine, fine holiday product:

By the way, I wouldn't drink anything coming from a fake penis, let alone a fake Santa's penis. I want to know why this was made, but more importantly, I want to know who buys this shit!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Kinky Christmas, Part VIII

I'm really enjoying these photo collections and musings under the heading, "Kinky Christmas" I've been posting. I'm having fun with it.

In light of my recent postings, Beth decided to take some particularly lovely photographs with the specific intention of enlightening my readers as to what a "Kinky Christmas" is all about. Thanks, Beth! You're hilarious and rather hot. And a good sport!

Rather talented with those nips, no?

Friday, December 16, 2011

Kinky Christmas, Part VII

One last ornament in my weird "Kinky Christmas" ornament series...

We shouldn't discuss this...

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Kinky Christmas, Part VI

Some things require no explanation. Admittedly, the "Condom Santa" needed an explanation, but I didn't have one there. These...well...

Monday, December 12, 2011

Kinky Christmas, Part V

Condom Santa? Condom Santa!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Kinky Christmas, Part IV

I was putting up Christmas lights today, standing on a ladder up at my eaves, making sure my lights were aligned with military precision. (Okay, I'm a bit OCD.) Across the street my neighbors have lemon trees lining their property (I live in an area of old orchard citrus trees from the early 20th Century).

They were laughing and picking fruit and for some reason horsing around. I didn't see it, but I guess he swatted her ass. She laughed, turned to him and said, "Please sir, may I have another!"

This caused me to chuckle from my eave. It'd been an odd day. Putting recycling from under the kitchen sink into a trash bag I was bent over plunking plastic from the bin. My teenage son and I were having a playful argument, 90% joking, when he looked at my position and said, "I'm going to give you a spanking!" I burst out laughing. Seeing my reaction, he did too. "Yeah, that was a little weird."

See what I mean? An odd day...

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Kinky Christmas, Part III

Lizzie sent me this blog about the tackiest nativities ever. Mostly it was like Hello Kitty nativities and cheesy crap like that. But one of the entires, both the weirdest and likely the most offensive (even to an atheist like me) was the above. WTF? Who would put this on their lawn???

Man I love the holidays! So much kinky blog fodder!

Monday, December 5, 2011

A Kinky Christmas

I love the Christmas Season in London. One of my favorite things to do is to see the big department stores and their amazing window displays. Making the rounds on Saturday I went down Oxford and Regents Street. There, at one of the grandest, oldest department stores, Liberty, and there I saw something rather unexpected: one of the high fashion mannequins in the window was set up in a BDSM tableaux.

Happy Christmas kiddies!

Oh, and thanks to Chross for another Chross-ing on Friday to my post about kinky Xmas ornaments!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

More Erotic Food

You know, if you're a regular reader, I've started my own meme with erotic food. I even, jokingly, started a blog for it called Kinky Foods.

Well, thanks to the Ecce Spanko blog for this recent posting...

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Have a Kinky Holiday

In honor of December 1, the OFFICIAL start of the Holiday Season (as opposed to what Wal-Mart, Target and Best Buy think), I present to you the first of many holiday treats.

I think this ornament speaks for itself.

Monday, November 28, 2011

American Horror Story Update

About a month ago I wrote here about American Horror Story, a dark, creepy, erotic, kinky new TV show. I highly endorse it for it's weirdness and high creep factor. On the most recent episode the show took a flashback detour to explain where "Latex Man" came from, a supernatural (perhaps) character in a full body hooded latex suit. During the flashback one of the lead characters (played by Zachary Quinto) goes to a BDSM store. 

The funny thing I was watching the show with my kids (don't worry, the two watching the show with me are 24 and 21) and the BDSM store the character goes into is JT Stockroom, a store I'm very familiar with. Have you ever had one of the moments when you see a place or person you recognize on TV? You get all excited and want to let others know about it? Well, that was me. And in that moment, I almost jumped up and pointed at the screen and said, "That's JT Stockroom! I know that place!" But in a nanosecond I caught myself and kept my trap shut.

Good plan.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Teddy BDSM

I've really not got a lot to say today, but as I was trolling the internet for images for an upcoming blog post I stumbled across the following image. Amusing--a bit. But mostly, just odd. I wish I knew the provenance of such images, wondering what the original source was and why. What was the subject matter? 

Anyway, I post it now for your mild amusement. Enjoy?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Kinky Thanksgiving!

I curated a few relevant photos to wish you all a very, very Happy Thanksgiving (at least those of you who live in the USA).

Once the padlock comes off that turkey is going to get stuffed!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Love You Short Time

The uncanny valley is that place where some simulacrum of a human being (robot, artificial limb, animatronic, sex doll, humanistic computer animation) is realistic enough to fool the eye but also creepy enough to freak you out. 

At a recent convention I came across the following, an "emotion responsive" robotic head from Korea.

Of course, my perverted mind goes to something far worse than the uncanny valley. Now, I shared this with a good friend and she called me a pedophile for what I was thinking, but it wasn't so much about this particular eerie/emotive android as it was the idea of a lovebot in general.

This one allowed you to select emotions from an iPad (because, after all, in the future everything will be interacted with via a flat tabled touch device, right?). I decided to go for either the "sexiest" or the creepiest. 

The other day on this blog I stated one of my beliefs is that in our lifetime we will be served in our homes by robots. NOTE: I did not say serviced. I have a hard enough time keeping my internet working to download kinky porn let alone thinking about what it would take to repair a lovebot. And the idea of a malfunction with that 'droid attached to my most intimate of places? I don't think so. I'll stick to my fleshlight, thankyouverymuch.

(Some day I'll rant about teledildonics...)

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Lovely Art

I'm always looking for cool new things to inspire my creative team at work. While trolling around the internet for the latest inspiration, I came across the following, a beautiful and seductive piece of art. It looks loving, an intimate moment, with just the slightest tinge of submissiveness I found appealing. What do you think?

Friday, November 18, 2011

Versatile Blogger Award

Co-blogger and occasional commenter mauigirl sent me a "Versatile Blogger Award," which was sweet. It's more of chain letter pass-it-along kind of thing, which to be honest, I don't subscribe to. But I did want to publicly acknowledge it was nice of her to send this virtual award my way.

Supposedly, the award recipient must do the following:

Here are the rules, according to pepper:

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.
4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award. 

So, given I'm not into all that, I've thanked the award giver and linked back to her site, above. 

I'll share seven things about myself:

  1. I'm a foodie (if you haven't guessed if you're a regular reader)
  2. I travel a lot (again, likely not news here if you read this frequently)
  3. I used to be a semi-professional magician as a youth (thus, one of the reasons for my "Showman" nom-de-plume in my email address)
  4. I believe our future will be one in which robots will serve us, in our lifetimes.
  5. I read very, very slowly for pleasure as I tend to read super, super fast for work.
  6. I love going to the movies, almost any movie.
  7. I love to write but never have the time.
Unfortunately I won't be following along "rule" #4. I don't want to give other busy people work.

There you go, mauigirl. I didn't follow through, but I did give you a shout-out, so there you go!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Love Our Lurkers 6

Bonnie began Love Our Lurkers day six years ago. Her blog, My Bottom Smarts, started asking her lurkers to come out and say "hi!" once a year and began asking other bloggers to do the same. It's amazing it's been a year since my own last LOL Day, but here we are.

Welcome Lurkers! I hope you enjoy the blog. I hope it entertains you and you get something meaningful out of it occasionally. If you're a regular, glad you're enjoying my "dark musing" here. If you're new, welcome to a kinky, slightly fucked up, sometimes insightful, definitely random and occasionally humorous kink blog. I appreciate you taking the time to check in, read up and come back. 

Hopefully either category of lurker will say hello today. Let me know what you like, what you come back for, what you hate. It's all good. No pressure! 

For everyone else, my regular reader/commenters, thank you as well for your continued support. Your visitation to this blog keeps me going. And though I occasionally run dry or et too busy to write, I appreciate you hanging in there with me.

(Logo courtesy Bonnie)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

A Submissive Story

She padded into the room and curled herself around his feet. He was tapping away on the computer with that look on his face that was partially frowny, partially intent. She knew not to interrupt. She also knew what he wanted. Hell, she knew what she wanted too.

She felt his warmth, felt the tough fabric of his stiff air-dried jeans against her cheek. She felt good her on the floor, her arms around his legs, waiting for his acknowledgement. Some would see this as dismissive, rude. She did not. This was how it was Meant to Be. Slowly, distractedly, he reached a hand down and caressed her thick hair, absently running his fingers through for a moment before returning his hand to tap tap tap away at the computer again. He sighed. This meant something from work caught his attention or his ire. "Hmmm," she muttered, rubbing against him like a cat.

"Did you say something?" he asked, pausing from his work to look down at her. Her eyes cast upward in adoration at his attention. 

"I was just listening to your sounds," she said. "You sighed."

"Did I?" he asked, tapping again, clicking on the touchpad between taps for random punctuation of his actions.


He tapped some more, then decisively slapped his laptop shut and gently set it aside.  "Come here," he ordered, and she jumped up in delight, facing him, climbing into his lap and straddling him in the chair. They were eye to eye, smiling in each other's eyes. "How was your day?"

"Good. I...I didn't get much done."

"Of course not," he said. "Where's the wine?"

"Right there, dummy!" she said with a silly smile in her voice. With surprise he looked at the end table next to him and saw a glass half full of blood red liquid that seemed to glow from within. 

"Oops." He glowered at her then. "What did you call me?"

"Nothing!" she said, biting her lip and burying her face in her hands in mock embarrassment. She was surprised then when she felt his fingers between her legs in front of him, pressing through the velvety fabric of her sweat pants and finding her clit and rubbing it. "Whatcha doin'?" 

"Playin'," he said, half-mocking her.

"I like it," she muttered, closing her eyes. 

"But I think a spanking is in order first."

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Halloween Submission

(NOTE: I started this on Halloween night, but then I had to take a red-eye to Costa Rica for business and, well, it kinda slipped. Though I know it's late now, enjoy some Halloween fiction...)

  • red lacy bra specifically engineered to press her assets for maximum exposure
  • tiny pleated skirt so short her ass cheeks poked out from beneath, begging the mind of the viewer to think of nothing less than a Neanderthal taking
  • pink garter belts holding up pink hose
  • white "fuck-me" pumps
  • costume of unknown type other than "slut"
  • polo shirt with "EAST" on chest, blue and red
  • baseball cap in similar
  • jeans
  • costume obscurely significant only to those hardcore fans of "Friday Night Lights"
  • mildly decorated Halloween party living room, bulbs replaced in Crate & Barrel fixtures with red and green
  • "spooky" spider webs
  • bubbling cauldron of punch of unknown alcoholic content
East sees Slut enter room from kitchen. He is immediately taken by her bra. Actually, he's really taken by her breasts. Her bra is superficial to the intent. She sees him. Costume appears lame but his well sculpted chest and arms convey the necessary information.


  • Horny
  • Eager to play
  • Feeling sassy
  • Looking for action
  • Palm itching for a spanking
  • Ready to be aggressive
They make eye contact and approach. "I've been bad," Slut says. 

"I know," East replies. There's a smile. Knowing. A passing of understanding between the two. She shrugs. It's playful. He lashes out, grabs her wrists. She bites her lip. Draws blood. It's unexpected.

"Ouch," she mutters. Her eyes smile. Devilish.

"Come with me," East says, pulling her away, away, away.

"I hope so," Slut replies.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Mainstream Kink

Every time a TV show or movie has a spanking scene in it there's this wave of blog posting on the kinkosphere about how so-and-so got spanked on such-and-such a show. Big whoop. Sure, we can all get our kicks watching Weeds or old John Wayne westerns, but me, I'll take FX's brand-new and well-reviewed series, American Horror Story. This "psychosexual thriller" from the creators of Nip/Tuck is one scary, kinky TV show. 

A husband and wife and their despondent cutter-teen daughter move into one of the (if not the) creepiest haunted houses ever presented on television. The shit that goes down here makes Addams Family or The Munsters look like a Disney cartoon. The husband has had an affair and his wife is, understandably, distant. He's wracked with guilt but feels she's "punished" him for his transgression long enough. They reconcile. SPOILERS! The house helps...

Later, this man, enshrouded in latex, comes in to their bedroom. She thinks it's her husband, but he's preoccupied in another room of this dastardly house. The two have sex--she thinking it's her husband. As viewers, we haven't a clue who the dude in the latex is, but he knocks her up and the couple, slowly falling back in love with one another, each believe he (the husband) did it, for different reasons of course. 

American Horror Story is kinky, creepy, downright scary TV. Don't worry if you've missed any. You can watch full episodes on FX's website. Right now. Spanking is fun, but scary kink is hot.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Just too damn busy...

After being out of town on business for two and a half weeks I got back the middle part of last week. Then, it was catching up at work, catching up at home, dealing with family chores and errands all weekend (as well as catching up with the kids!) and then all this week has been work, work, work as it's busier than ever.

Suffice it to say, all reasons why you haven't seen a post since the middle of last week. I'll be inspired again soon. Just hunkered down at the moment...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I want THE COCK!

More amusing UK stories...

Directly across the roundabout from my apartment is a lovely old pub/restaurant. What's it called?

Worse, the formal title of this humble establishment is The Cock Inn. So while I was walking around town over the weekend I went over and looked at the menu, decided this would be a good place for dinner, and then at work Monday told my compatriots from America all working over here with me that it was "...time to enjoy The Cock!" Everyone got a chuckle and soon we were all in on the joke (some more than others).

"I can't wait to get to The Cock!"

"How far is The Cock Inn?"

"I'm hungry for The Cock!"

"I never thought I'd say this, but I want The Cock!" (a hetero male)

"Can I please have The Cock now?"

It went on like this--soooo junior high--off and on for about two hours. Of course, if you know me, you'll know I was chuckling and loving every minute. Oh, and the food was pretty darn good, meaning I'll be enjoying The Cock for many nights to come.

On another note, I went for a run Saturday through the local countryside and came upon this old house that had been converted into a music venue...I think:

Kink. 24/7. In the words of Tina Fey's character on 30 Rock, "I want to go to there."

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Hey England! What's with the English?

(WARNING: This blog post has nothing to do with kink. So if you have a one-track mind [like I do] I suggest you skip this entry.)

I've been an anglophile ever since I was about 17 years old watching An American Werewolf in London. I went to the UK for the first time when I was 19. Since then I've gone on vacation here a few times and have come to the UK for business probably 20 times or more over the past 20+ years.

So when my company got a project here, I was thrilled. My job is barely "work" as it is (I love what I do!) but to do it in London? Heaven.

I've been struck this trip about the huge, Atlantic Ocean-sized gap between English and English (that is, the Queen's English and American English) is utterly ridiculous. I try to post funny photos of things that are strike me hilarious, mostly very junior high sort of things.

For example, just in this blog post so far I've referenced a simple difference: vacation versus holiday. I'm staying in an apartment on this extended trip. Here it's a flat. These are easy ones. The harder ones are the less obvious: "schedule" is not an organization of dates put in order or a list of activities one has in a day. A calendar is a diary. A diary is a journal. WTF? 

At dinner last night the bottom of the menu had four words strung together (I don't remember what they were now, which is a bit like telling a joke and forgetting the punchline) that when I read them made utterly no sense. It was as if someone had pulled them out of an English grab bag and plopped them onto a menu at random. It was something like: Bubbly Spec Tiny Champers. (Any Brits who read my blog will know that isn't a real anything, but it's as close as I can get get to recalling what it actually said.) Fortunately, I was at dinner with some locals and, perplexed, I asked them what it meant. "Oh, cheap house champagne is available." WTF?

Last but certainly not least, it's nice to know that the proper English folk who invented the most widely used language on Earth can make their own mistakes once in a while. Check out this pic I snapped at dinner a few nights ago. As the old man said in one of my all-time favorite movies, A Clockwork Orange, "Try the wine?"

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

A Grab Bag of Pics

First up, a photo I took at the Mall of the Emirates in Dubai at a kiosk t-shirt seller:

For a place so keen on blocking kink blogs (like this one) from the UAE, I found this t-shirt ironic.

In Spain, particularly the Catalonia region, the locals have an odd tradition of caganers. These are figures you hide away in your holiday manger scene of someone taking a shit. Don't know where the tradition came from, but it started was a monk figure, carefully secreted in the sacred manger scene. Later, political figures and celebrities (particularly those worthy of ridicule) were depicted as figurines for sale in holiday festival markets. Here's my favorite caganer. It's 30-feet tall and in a mall in Barcelona. Merry Christmas, kids! Don't forget to take a dump next to baby Jesus!

Recently Erica went on a rant again about some terrible food item for sale at Dennys, a patty melt with mac & cheese inside. So, in honor of that, here's something my daughter found recently:

Gumball donuts??? Who needs that?!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Out of Censorship and WTF?

I'm out of the UAE and so out of internet censorship filters again. Woo-hoo!

When I was over there I was talking to one my colleagues who reminded me of this site full of terrible airbrushed art from carnival rides all over the world. It's called Bad Carnival Art. You've seen the stuff if you've ever been to a fair or carnival: cheese, off-the-mark Disney characters, odd mashups of different stars (all unlicensed, of course).

I grabbed my fave:

You gotta ask yourself here: what were they thinking! Sure, it's on a spin-n-puke teen thrill ride, but WTF? Really? (Must be German...)

Monday, September 26, 2011

Back in the U.A.E.

So I'm off to the UAE again. In case you don't take notes, this means I'm going to a land where websites such as mine (and Erica's, and Chross', and Shadow Lane, and FetLife...) are blocked. So no updates for the next week. From there, I'll be in Europe where uncensored and unfettered content delivery over the internet is easily accessible...

Monday, September 19, 2011

Thanks for the Chrosses!

In the last two weeks or so my blog has been Chross'd twice! Thanks, Chross for the linkage. It is most sincerely appreciated.